How to leave (results may vary)

Here's the thing about love it's as much about knowing how to leave, as it is about knowing how to stay. Or perhaps I just don't know much about staying but I can teach you how to leave.

The one thing I do know about staying is that it prepares you for leaving. I never end a relationship and regret loving too much. I always walk away wishing I would've hugged a bit tighter, listened a little deeper, and loved a bit more fully. This isn't because I think it would have made them stay or made us work but because I think if you have the opportunity to love someone, it is important to do it fully. When you're staying do it fully, so when you leave, you can do it fully.

The best reason to leave is when you can't stay fully. So here's my advice on how to leave. (results may vary)

How to leave:

Step one

There is so much to marvel at in the world. When you leave, decide what it is you want to think about. Perhaps it’s Paris in the spring or the migration of Monarch butterflies in the fall. Watch a nature show, go on a walk, and find something to wonder about. Remind yourself over and over to think about that, when they peruse your mind too much.

Step two

Count the days. I once left someone on a Thursday. I knew that if I could make it a week without them, I could make it a month. If I could make it a month, I could make it a year. If I could make it a year, I could make it a lifetime. I just had to make it to the next Thursday.

Step three

Text them (but not for real). I create a text thread by just typing their name with no number (I recommend changing their actual contact to Scam Likely to never accidentally text them)I text that thread every pathetic and desperate thought and longing. Sometimes I count the days since I cried. “I haven’t cried about you in two days (sticking tongue out emoji)” I send, and receive an error message in response.

Step four

Cry, cry, cry. I am a crier, I really don’t care. I recommend giving yourself permission to be one too. I don’t believe in holding things in, and there is no better feeling than the precise moment you stop crying. I cry as much as I need to. Crying is something to do with your time.

(I caution against crying in front of other people. We are wired to want to help and the uncomfortable awareness that there is nothing they can do to lessen the pain will lead them to say things like "don't cry," which is not good advice)

Step five.

Find something to do with your time and commit to doing it every day. I suggest it be something physical. For me, it’s been yoga. I buy a monthly pass and make myself go every day (the money I spent will motivate me if nothing else). It is grounding and helps me move emotions through my body. You will recognize that your heart feels heavy and full of grief, but your big toe is chilling. Emotions are visitors, and you can contain multitudes at once. I think it’s beautiful to feel the heaviness shift from the first day to the last day. I appreciate the energy of other people, so I recommend a community-oriented daily physical activity.

Step six

Ask for help. I text my friends and say “Look, I ‘m feeling bitter and worthless and upset and can you please pray that I will grow from this.” I put all the dark ugly feelings in the light via poorly timed Tuesday morning texts to my patient friends and I just ask them to pray. I don’t need much else, I just need someone else to hear it besides myself. There’s nothing worse than only being in conversation with yourself when you’re feeling bitter, worthless, and upset. I let the people I see every day know I need a little extra, and I say yes to every invite I receive. I know you feel like you want to curl up and disappear. But my love, trust me, you need people.

Step four

Give it meaning. People love to say things like "everything happens for a reason," but you have to make it for a reason. It might be this person was precise in their word choice and I want to be more precise in my life (the simple). Or they helped me see that I have an anxious attachment style, let me read some books and work on that and show up differently in my next relationship. Or you know what, we were in a pandemic and if I didn't have them I would have perished from loneliness, thank you for being my COVIDbae. Sometimes on this journey called life- it is just nice to have a hand to hold. They got you to your next destination and it was time to let go, but they got you there. That is meaningful. Or perhaps you built a business, or a family, or a community together and there are people whose entire lives are better because you two operated in partnership for a season. Give it meaning and make it as big or as little as feels right.

Step five

Hold on to your reason. Whether it was your decision, their decision, or the natural flow of things, there is a reason why it is better for you to leave it be. There is something about you that is better without this person. There is a vision for your life that is clearer without this person. Focus on how this person made you feel. Beyond the mushy surface level, were they in alignment with your core? Perhaps, at one point in time, they were. Be honest about what has changed or what used to be easier to ignore. If you struggle to identify the reason, ask a friend. If they're a good friend, they've probably been patiently withholding what they really think about the relationship and your partner, and most importantly, they can tell you what they miss about you that did not come out in that relationship. Remember though-your reason, is yours. So hold on to what feels right.

Step six:

You need a win, and you need it quickly. What are you good at? What are you better at than anyone else you know? Go do that, and do not be humble about it. If there is a project at work, go above and beyond. If you're into lifting, max out. If you bake, bake ten cakes for your nearest senior citizen center and watch the delight on every face. Run a marathon, write a poem, go to karaoke. You need to be reminded that you can do things, and you can do them well. You can make a life for yourself. And you need to do it quickly before any sense of self-pity has the opportunity to nestle in.

Step seven:

Don’t, under any circumstances, touch your hair. Or get a tattoo. Or lose a ton of weight. Leave yourself alone. I know it feels like agony not to see a physical change associated with a major life change. But trust me, you need to recognize yourself to get yourself through this. Once you’re through, then do what feels right.

I was going to stop at seven, but everyone keeps breaking up around me so I have one additional observation-a bonus step :)

Step eight:

Shut the hell up. When you are in the depths of your feelings of abandonment and anger you will want to say the most hurtful truth you can think of to the object of your neglect. Don’t. It makes things more difficult than they need to be. Just shut the hell up. It will feel wonderful in the moment to let that person know what you really think of their relationship with their father, or the way they look in the morning, but those statements are the kinds of things that live with people and can’t be taken back. If you think of a relationship as an ongoing conversation that stops when you dont have anything left to say-end the conversation and shut the hell up. Honesty is not the best policy, when honest is driven by cruelty.