Day two in Paris (November 2022)

Day two in Paris

I'm reading a book called Radical Intimacy which is by a sex/relationship therapist Zoe Kohr. She writes about an intimacy framework that consists of 9 paradigms made up of three types of intimacy with three types of relationships. The three types of intimacy: emotional, physical, and energetic. The three types of relationships: ourselves, others, and the world. Our lives flow in between these 9 paradigms when we move with intention.

I think a combination of my cycle starting, an achingly beautiful first day in Paris, and the rainy Sunday had me stuck in bed, desperate to finish this book. Once I finished the book, my bestie texted me about a sermon I should listen to, and I turned it on. I didn’t really resonate with the message, and the pastor said something that triggered my angst with religion. I decided to make it a point to catch the sunset and had some time to spare, so I picked up my second book to finish a chapter.

The chapter was about intuition, and the author wrote about how one of her friends passed away, and it came to her on a physical level before she knew it to be true. She wrote about how her friend passed in the desert alone, and no one could find him, but she had a vision of where he was, and she was right. Something about this story made me sick. Because I am a person naturally very in tune with my intuition (the chapter is about how we all are capable of it, which I so deeply believe, we be knowin), I have received visions via dreams about people I love too, so I resonated with the story. I have a friend who severed ties with me that I love so deeply, and I have for many, many years-and due to the nature of things that aren’t mine to detail, I have no idea where they are and if they are ok. The story reminded me that my intuition is probably right about the nature of their well-being. And that thought shook me. I also recognized how this person's abrupt departure from my life and the hole they left, has me holding on tight to relationships I really need to release my grip on.

The tears started to flow and flow to the point where I was heaving and embarrassed that my hotel neighbors could hear me. They have a small child whose laughter and cartoons had been filling the air, but once I started crying, I noticed they went quiet. It could’ve been in my head, but I feel like they were giving me space. (energetic intimacy)

I journaled and prayed and cried for an hour. The truth is, yes, there’s grief there, but there is also anger. I am pissed at this, friend. I am pissed at the version of me that trusted people who didn’t deserve it. I am pissed that this dynamic exists in my life, in many versions, in many evolutions. I am pissed that as I evolve, this problem just evolves and grows to a new level. It scares me to think this might just be my life path. What if life is just God giving me the same problem with different people to see how quickly I can recognize it before going to the next level? What if my whole life is just me being tested on how quickly I can choose myself, and that’s supposed to be the reward? Ugh.

I go to dinner, but I recognize (intimacy with myself) I’m too shaken to interact too much with the kind waiters at Parisian cafes, so I settle on going to a bakery for some pain au chocolat and hot cocoa. The hot cocoa is so sweet, making me forget about my anguish for a bit.

As I walk back, I pass a flower shop and stop to get two roses-one for me and one to honor my friend. The florist asked who the flowers were for, I was caught by surprise as she stopped what she was doing to wait for the answer. This wasn’t a question to pass the time but a genuine curiosity. I said, “One for me and one for my friend going through a tough time.” She looked at my face, and in the bright light of the shop, I knew it was betraying me. She did not match my forced smile as she looked me in my eyes and simply said, “They are lucky to have you as a friend.”

I walk by the cafe I visited on my first night, and the butler recognizes me. “Lisa!” he exclaims, I’m charmed he remembers my name. He asks me how my day was, luckily, another customer walked up at the same time, intervening to ask for a table, so I gave him a look to say, “Let’s not talk about it.” He winked at me.

This is why I love Paris; people understand the things words can’t express. There’s so much love in the city that it gives me hope that perhaps a path in my life leads to love or healthy emotional intimacy with others (as Zoe would say), in whatever shape that takes. I walk back to my hotel listening to Butterfly by Cleo Sol (I'm dramatic, I know) and was reminded of one of my favorite poems, “You fool, what are you crying for? You’re in Paris, in the rain. The city is weeping, too, she’s baring her soul for you, and somehow, she’s not one bit sad.” <3

When you can’t find intimacy with yourself and the people closest to you, lean on recognizing and holding energetic intimacy with the world.

Paris- steeped in its history and as a destination for lovers and searchers does this so profoundly, I feel so held on a cellular level in this city. I am able to have honest conversations with myself. This will do for now while I figure out the other eight paradigms. One at a time, I think.

The next day I woke up to a text from a friend asking me if I’d been to the Starbucks in Paris yet, and I was reminded of my Mom’s request to send her a picture of Notre Dame. I had a mission for my day, so that I couldn’t linger in my sadness. As I was getting dressed, my shuffle started playing one of my favorite songs, “Send It On by D’Angelo.” It reminded me that all I can do for the friend I love so much is hope my love (that caused me to miss a sunset in Paris, so you know it runs deep) reaches them wherever they are..send it on. Energetic intimacy. Thanks, Zoe. Thank you, Paris, for holding my broken heart for the day.